Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
