you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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