my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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