Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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