3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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