I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
