Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
