i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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