Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
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I need a burrito and a hug.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
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Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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