Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
