so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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