ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
