There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
