hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
