Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
