she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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