1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You ate ashes out of my bong
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
