We named our party play list daddy issues
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
