The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My ATM looks so different sober.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
