Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
