We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
