You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
