Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
