Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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