if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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