Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
