then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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