Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
