i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
