This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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