you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
