I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
