She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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