I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
