I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
