arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
