I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
