non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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