They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
