Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
