someone get that fucking seahorse.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
