If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
