i'm signing you up for texting rehab
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
