It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
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