I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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