I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
