At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
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Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
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My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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