She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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