im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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