I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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