I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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