yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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