"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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