I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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