You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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