I wish my penis had an off switch
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
thus making me awesome and them whores
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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