tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Houston, we have a blender
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
