drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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